House NOT Rainbows & Unicorns Committee

the House Elections Committee started innocently enough. after all, Committee Chair Jodie Jodie Laubenberg isn’t an evil person, just a really stupid one…who often does what her ALEC overlords tell her to do (like not bringing up the online voter reg bill for a committee vote! and, oh yeah, that whole TRAP laws thing with the rape kits that “clean a woman out”).

again, look at that outfit and tell me if you see “evil” or “inept”.

here’s what happened:

• the RPT would like people who beg out of jury duty to not be able to vote. pretty sure he meant that those who say they can’t serve because they don’t live in a location anymore, but Bill Fairbrother (the rep from the Republican County Chairs Association which usually advocates for the RPT in House Elections) kept using the word “citizen” as if that was questionable.

• the TDP would like apartment complexes to hand out voter reg cards to new residents and title companies to do the same when someone buys a house. Fmr. Rep. Glen Maxey (aka the first openly LGBT person ever elected to the TX lege who also too wrote a book about how Gov. Good Hair is probably gay–so there was a rainbow…just one because Rep. Celia Israel) brought the numbers: 14% of the state rents, but in DFW and Houston, 41% of people rent.

• Keith Ingram, Director for the SOS Elections Division, said we’re trying to have at least 15 million people registered by votin’ time. we have about 14,853,000 currently.

True the Vote? GTFO. seriously, “I’m from VA so if I fuck up these county names…” (or something like that). is not an excuse. GTFO and quit suing TX counties while you’re at it.

• is the Bipartisan Policy Center really bipartisan? what say you google machine. seems legit.

Vote by Mail fraud. there are real problems–most of which could be solved if the TX lege addressed people who won’t be at an address when the election happens (cruise vacationers, oil rig workers, long haul truckers) and if people like me could please vote from home even though we’re young and able bodied because ditching the person we’re providing care for is sometimes not an option (*like* me, not me).

Fmr. Rep. Maxey would like to know if it is legal for a county to contract a for-profit company to handle all the VBMs because that does not sound like it would be on the up and up. he would also like us to know that we could save money by letting the rural people VBM it in to run-offs.

Mr. Fairbrother wants 2 people per county (one pink, one blue) to be deputized to go visit ALL THE OLDS who need help with their VBMs. this theory seems to be missing a few salient details–doesn’t seem like rural counties would have enough people for 2 and that the urban counties may need many more than 2. he said it’d also be nice if didn’t tell the world who was on the annual ALL VBM ALL THE TIME list because maybe people will screw with them and/or their ballots.

• then it was the OWLS turn. BUT FIRST, Rep. Goldman would like to know if the lady with the Hispanic name is properly signed up to testify. he only knows her name because he sees it on the computer screen and it would not be there if she had not registered to testify properly. however, lady parts and Hispanic surname lead Rep. Goldman to believe she may not be. it seems like someone who looks like this would be more suspect:

aside: wish I could have found a copy of the photo he gave TLS for the 83rd Legislature’s Blue Book where it was all, “you want to be presented to all the lobbyists and state agencies like the broniest bro to ever bro? maybe something a little less casual than you at a frat party.” it’s not that I don’t have one, it’s that I’m tech challenged and don’t have a way to scan it in. 

• OWLS stands for “Objective Watcher’s of the Legal System” and they “objectively” only seem to find problems in areas with heavy D concentrations. they also told us that there’s a whole TX town that does curbside voting. yep. 100% are disabled. I objectively think the OWLS may be disabled in the brains area.

OWL #1 made a zombie voter flow chart. zombie. voter. flow. chart. that’s fun to say. and I imagine the chart in question is not much more complex than this: 

meanwhile OWL #2 just wanted to lock anyone up who showed up to the wrong polling location. she seems nice.

and there was this charming exchange–

Laubenberg: How does one become a politiquera?

OWL #3: Sell your soul to whoever’s running.

OWL #3 also said politiqueras are paid “bribed with cocaine and sex”. I imagine that would be difficult to do in a town that’s 100% disabled.

• Rep. Schofield don’t want none o’ yr “lollipops and rainbow talk”!

• DPS save us! oh, you can only do something if someone reports it to you. I hereby report to you that these crazy people should not be allowed to be poll watchers EVER. how about the Medrano family? oh, you can’t get past that whole private ballot thing.

comic relief–

Rep. Fallon: if we could wave a magic want and make you King of Texas for a day…

Mr. White (OAG): I’d respectfully decline to be king.

Rep. Fallon: Alright, George Washington!

• we ended the day on campaign finance report filings and compliance. this was not near as fun as watching an episode of TEC vs. MQS & Empower Texans.

vote, dear Texans, and help destroy the world as it is.

P.S. there was also joint hearing of House County Affairs and Criminal Jurisprudence. according to witnesses, the Former Fetus thinks that we could alleviate the burden on our hospitals and jails by dropping the “JESUS” screamers off at church and is open to those who are hollering “Allah” being dropped off at mosques (if they still exist). I personally think we should drop them off at his house and build a wall around it.


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